What's in a Name?

I've written about the kids before and mentioned how their names might be something like Sally or John. Believe it or not, Sally and John are not their real names. When they come to the school, we give them English names in an attempt to brainwash them and strip them of their identity. Actually, many of the kids choose their own names; therefore, we end up with an excess of Jennys and Harrys, a name made popular by Harry Potter that was formally on its way out seeing as how it describes the amount of hair one has their body.

A few weeks ago Don, an nine year old student, who had had enough of his name, and being the over-zealous wrestling fan that he is, renamed himself John Zeena after the wrestling icon. He would then stand up in class and proclaim, "My is very angry," to which I would correct, "'I am very angry,' John Zeena. You mean to say, 'I am very angry.'" He then renamed everyone in the class after other wrestling super stars. I became Undertaker teacher, a title that I still proudly proclaim. Still, I'm wondering if I shouldn't do a total name make over on my classes just like Don, I mean 'John Zeena' did in order to rid the classrooms of excess Jennys, Sallys and Johns. Here are some themes on the idea:

1. Name them after Simpson Characters
We could have Bart, Lisa, Homer, Marge, Principal Skinner, Grounds Keeper Willy. This would help educate the students about one of the finer aspects of American culture. Plus there is also a wealth of names to choose from.

2. Name them after Car Models
We could have Mercedes, Lexus, Elantra, Bronco, Silverado, F-150. The possiblities are endless.

3. Give them Animal Names
Fluffy, Mittens, Frisky, Rover, Rex, Prince, Boots, the list goes on and on.

4. Name them after the Adjectives that describe them (the Seven Dwarf method)
This has the advantage that I could probably remember their names better this way. Possible names include: Sleepy, Grumpy, Happy, Dirty, Smiley, Smelly, Really Smelly, etc. I just hope this doesn't backfire and the kids don't start doing the same thing with the foreign teachers. Possible names for us include: Hairy, Whitey, Grumpy, Sleepy, Drunk, Ugly, Really Ugly, etc.

5. Viking Conquerer Names
This is a spin off of the adjectives idea in that the kids would be named after what they are known for.
"Hello, I am Gothar, Speaker of Konglish and Demoralizer of Waygooks."
"Pleased. I am Kronos, Mangler of English and Shooter of the Spitwads. Have you met my friend Johndibar, Master of the Kimchi Farts?"
I think a Far Side comic has a version of this with dogs.

These are just silly ideas, however, one child did succeed in pissing me off the other day. I was trying to pronounce his Korean name and apparently I was doing a very bad job of it because the class would not stop laughing every time I said it. Finally I got fed up and said, "Sang-Il, your name is now Bart." The great Simpson renaming has begun.